Searching for Sarah

2006-01-02T19:54:00.000+08:00

Well, christmas and new year are over for another year and, i have survived surpisingly intact :)
To say i entered the holiday season with a little trepadation is an understatement. I dont do holidays well, i seem to always get really down becasue of all the acting i have to do around family etc. I had also thought that this year i would have attracted a lot of negative attention from my family about my lack of body hair etc. However, for whatever reason, i began christmas eve with a positive attitude, surprisingly comfortable with myself and decided not to act too much or worry about people attitudes. This feeling, appart from a few brief interludes into negativity, has lasted right through the holiday break.

So not only did i survive unscathed but also seem to have come thorough with a lot more positive attitude about the future. Whether this lasts I will just have to wait and see.

Now, i know a lot of my friends have tried to beat it into my head that i possibly take too much responsibility for other people happiness, and i may have come to this realisation before only to regress, but over the last few days it has started to become clear to me as well.

I'm constantly concerned about losing my wife and family if i go further and live full time or transition. I dont actually know what will happen obviously, but it has causes me a great deal of guilt over the years. It is a definately clearer to me now that me staying happy is not protecting my family anyway. I am much better off being happy for all concerned. And, I dont want my family to split up, that will definately never be a decision i make. I want to be a happy family with me happy as well.

I will do whatever i can to keep my family happy but I am unable to do it when i am not happy or satisfied with myself. No one wins then. And, at the end of the day, i am a relatively nice person, historically lost into a grumpy haze. Over the last few days i have been a happy person, and to be honest i dont recognise myself :) I like it

I'm still not yet ready to make any further moves though, not just yet. I am still somewhat ashamed of myself, although those feelings are deminishing. At the moment i would be ashamed of how i looked and what others thought of me if i went full time. I need to work more on my self confidence and self acceptance for now. But, i am starting to see that i could actually be quite attractive as a woman, at least attractive enough to pass and be happy with myself.

I also have to work out what i want to do work wise. While i think my work would possibly be accepting, ar at least the parent company would be, I dont really like what i do. It just isnt me anymore. So i need to work out my options of how to earn an equivalent living so that my familys quality of life doesnt change.

Well there you go, lots of thinking in the last few days. Could all be ramblings and by tomorrow i will be back to where i have been for the last year or two. We will see.

2005-12-28T20:27:00.000+08:00

I was watching "Will & Grace" earlier, without a doubt one of my favourite shows. I just love the dynamic between the characters :)

Anyway, in this episode, Will was seeing a pshrink who told him to write a letter to his younger self. This made me think, what would i put in a letter to my yonger self if i wrote one, say to me at age 13.

Without a doubt, it would be along the lines of :

"These feelings are not going to go away and, they are not wrong. Just tell your parents, get support and treatment, and live the life you want to live"

The obvious extension from these thoughts is, what would you say to yourself at this age if you wrote to yourself in 20 years time? Now that is a sobering thought.

In 20 years time, my family will be all grown and hopefully happily married and managing well.
Who knows what would have happened with my career?
Who knows what would have happened with my marriage?
If i dont sort out my own life though, i will definately still be unhappy, if not even more unhappy or even worse.

Now there is a new path of thinking for the next few days.

2005-12-12T20:14:00.000+08:00

In the interests of preventing further abuse, innuendo of laziness and general harassement i am going to do a short post. For all the orators of the aformentioned abuse, innuendo and harassement; you know who you are. :)

I have had a quite eventful couple of week, a bit of an emotional roller coaster and, hopefully, i will get some of those events and feelings published over the next few days. However, i seem to have a fatal case of writers block when it comes to those events at the moment so i shall just move on to more recent times, namely today.

This evening i had a christmas corporate drinks event for my company. I work for a very large company and these christmas drinks are typically help at some upmarket venue and more likely than not cost some obsene amount of money per head. Typically the head count is a hundred or so and the expected attire is suit and tie for the male folk and, in typical unfair fashion, and i am sure to deliberately rub my nose in it and elicit a jealous response, smart dresses or other stylish ensembles for the women folk.

Now, i have some how managed to work myself up to a level within my company where i get an invite to these functions each year. How i got here is still a bit of mystery to me. I am in no way ambitious, in fact i consider the whole "climb the corporate ladder" mind set and the shoulder rubbing, hand shaking "sucking up" of the more ambitious types quite comical.

As typical for this type of function, the "networking", "contact making" machine was in full swing and, as usual, i stood around the periphery of preceedings and talked with a few colleagues whom i have or do work with. This year however, was somewhat different than previous years as i did not feel uncomfortable about my lack of socialising. In fact, i was quite comfortable with myself. I'm not the typical male ambitious career junkie. I am infact simply happy to just do my job as best as i can and let my career look after itself, wherever it may go.

It also hit me this evening, that the way i act in these environments is more in line with the women at them, i would probably fit in better as Sarah. That is not to say that the women arent ambitious, some of them are the most competitive people that i have met. But, in general, they do not focus on the "networking", "contact making" schenanigans like most of their ambitious male counterparts.

I stayed for a while this evening, had some drinks and ate finger food, listened to the CEO's address, chatted with my colleagues and then drifted out to leave the career junkies to their pursuits. Driving home, i was content. i think i could fit in as Sarah as well as i currently do. If i ever need to that is.

In closing, i seem to stumble onto career growth oppertunities. For the last several months I have been considering slowing down, changing to an easier job. Last week i found out that i have been nominated and selected to an internal management program designed to develop 10-15 employees from within the company to corporate managers. Isnt that ironic for the career junkies :)

2005-11-20T19:57:00.000+08:00

Why is it i can be out late at night as Sarah, dance away and get home in the wee small hours but still not be tired the next day. Cant do that when not Sarah. Hmm

Last night was the Club West "Beach Ball". Once again i went to Cathii's house in the afternoon (she is going to get sick of me soon) and we got ready and went to decorate the table, Cathii organised a beachy theme for us. I was no where near as stressed being out in the day and we even had one of the men from the Italian club hold the door open for us :). Unfortunately, we left it a bit late to do a shopping trip (next time) so went back to Cathii's.

While watching "Ferris Buelers day off" on the big projector, we chatted and Cathii cooked some dinner while we waited for Dee and Kitty to come over. Anway, i'm dribbling :). We got changed for the ball and drove there in my new car.

Well, the ball was just great. I spent most of the time dancing. Possibly all the time expect for when there was a show on :). At least, that is what Cathii would tell you. I had a great time, lots of fun, great friends and i was happy. In fact, i pretty much always am when Sarah.

At the end of the night, i did feel like going out somewhere else with Cathii but, i had told my wife i wouldnt be really late (is 3 am late) home so i didnt. Next time.

It was all just a wonderful day, the only bad thing being getting changed at the end of the night.

2005-11-13T19:57:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been a week or so since my last post, so what has been happening.

I went out to our local support group meeting last week. Before the meeting, i went to Cathii's house for dinner. Cathii is great ( :) ) and, without her generosity in having me around, i would not be able to be Sarah any where near as much as i do. Anyway, we had a nice talk and then went off to the meeting. The gatherings are always a nice place to catch up with peopel and often the only oppertunity i have. Last week was no exception. In fact, there were a lot of people there, more than there have been lately which was nice.

Next saturday is the Beach Ball, the latest event to be run by Club West. I am looking forward to is soooooooo much. I have only been to one before, earlier this year, but the sense of acceptance and the fun you have when there is just wonderful. I cant wait. Although, at this stage is till have no idea what to wear. I need to sort my outfit out pretty soon.

So, generally, am i moving forward? Well, i guess i am, although my mood is still up and down. This weekend i went looking for a new car for myself. My current car is, to say the least, a bit of a wreck and, up until this year, i would have spent time fixing it. However, now that i am begginning to accept who i am more i amnot hiding behind this type of work anymore and have lost all interest in it. I am now looking for something a little more sensible, reliable and suitable for my current life and for Sarah. I hope to pick something up this week, before the ball next weekend.

Feelings wise, i am generally happier that i have been but not happy with who i am. I still spend a lot of my time sad and frustrated at my body and am still grumpy around the people i love. I really want to get past this, be happy with who i am and be happy with the people i love. Is the cost to others of me becoming more feminine bigger than the benefits they will get, and i will get, from being happy? That is the question i am still struggling with.

I often think that i am being selfing being sad and frustrated about my body. In all honesty i am relatively lucky with the package i have been given. I am not that big, have small hands and feet and have a full head of hair, yet i am not happy with any of it. Not yet anyway. can i continue to live like this? There is another question. Quite possibly, i dont have a choice but to become more feminine, if only for my own happiness and sanity.

During the week i was thinking that Hollywood would portray a perfect father/husbamd as someone who would give their life for the happiness of their family, and realistically, i would in an instant. However, i dont think i can live my life this way for them. The thought of another 5, 10, 15 etc years living like this is, to say the very least, daunting and not a prospect i wish to consider overly long.

Well, i'm away for a few days this week so lots of thinking time. See where i get to in the next few days of pondering.

2005-11-01T20:09:00.000+08:00

I went and saw my psychologist again today, first time in nearly 2 months. And, since the last time i saw her i have had quite a few big ups and downs, wuite a few hard times. we had a lot to talk about.

Over the last few weeks, i guess i have realised that a couple of my problems are that i am ashaemd of myself and feel guilty about not beign able to live up to the male role model expected of me. So, i have been in a pretty happy place for the last couple of weeks but am also realising that i now want to move forward.

I have had a wonderful last two days with my family. Going out on Saturday night as Sarah really lifted my spirits and helps put things into perspective. While i may not be the perfect Dad role model, when i am happy, i am at least a good parent. And i can have fun and enjoy myself, yes, me :)

So, i am starting to realise that i cant continue to be unhappy, it is not good for anyone. i want to become Sarah more because i want to be happy. Not only for me but for others as well. i am beginning to realise that my world will change if I am Sarah more, but it wont end. I wont loose my children. It could be difficult for all of us, but i will be a lot better parent to them in the long run. I will also not loose my wife from my life. I may loose her as my partner but we will always be friends. For me, that is still quite sad because i love my wife more than i ever imagined i could love someone, but, i make her sad by being sad all the time anyway and that is no long term way to live for either of us.

Anyway, i'm rambling now. I have a lot to think about and work thorough over the next while wo i am now going to see my Pshrink at least once a month. I;ll see how i go.

2005-10-30T19:40:00.000+08:00

Well, last night was the annual gay and lesbian parade in Northbridge. I went with two of my friends to watch, and yes, as Sarah :)

I went to Cathii's house in the afternoon to get ready (she's great and i really appreciate her letting me meet at her house, i wouldnt be able to go out anywhere near as much if she didn't) and met Adelaide there as well.

To say i was nervous about going out as Sarah to northbridge is an understatement. Cathii and Adelaide are both full of confidence but i am still struggling along at the moment. I didnt really have an outfit that i thought was suitable, liked or looked good in but, after a multitude of fashion changes i settled on something that had to do. Cathii and Adelaide both looked great in their gothic outfits :)

Well, we went into Northbridge and walked towards the centre where the parade was to be. To add to my anxiety (gee i'm a woose) there did not seem to be any other trannies etc around. my heart was beating quite fast at that point. Anyway, after a little while i settled down and started to enjoy myself.

We went to a small coffee shop and had a drink (not something i thought i was ready for) and it was fine. infact, nobody seemed to care who we were all night, the only comments we had were positive ones.

The parade was not as big as i thought it would be but it was really great to see. Made me happy and made me see that pride, the key word for the parade, is something that i dont have very much of and is a big part of my problmes. Mental note: be proud of self.

After the parade, we went to a pub for a few hours and sat at a table talking. That is, we sat at a table and mainly listened to Adelaide talk. And i really enjoyed it. Adelaide thinks about a lot of things very deeply. It is not very often that i get the chance to talk to someone about the sort of things we talked about on the night. It was a little noisy and hard to hear but i'm looking forward to talking a lot more in the future :).

So, at the end of the night, we walked back to the car, straight through the centre of northbridge, again without any cares in the world. Cathii and Adelaide kicked on and i went home.

Anyway, it was a great night with great friends. Cant wait to do it again soon :)

2005-10-24T20:49:00.000+08:00

Well, two days in and my plan seems to be working. I'm still happy and relaxed, amazingly. Who is this person i have become? It is quite a different feeling not being stressed and sad all the time.

We went out to a family friends yeesterday for a BBQ. It was the first time i had been around any of my wives friends since i started removing my body hair. My wife was a bit stressed about it all and wanted me to wear long pants so that they couldnt see my legs. It was 28C, please, long pants? It turned out that i wore shorts and, if anyone noticed, nobady thought anything of it or paid any attention anyway.

Interestingly, i was in day one of my settled state and, at the BBQ, there was a baby, probably about 9 months old. I decided to have a cuddle and ended up holding her for over an hour. We sat down and watched a movie with the other kids and then shares a bowl of cake and ice cream. We were both very settled which was surprising. It struck me, while i was spending time with the baby that i was really enjoying it and i realised that i hadnt spent much similar time with my children when they were little. I was always so depressed, stressed, busy with other things to sit down with them, or at least that is the way i remember it. I'm not sure if i was always that way, but my memory of those times is that is what i was like. Sad isnt it. So, there is another positive thing to remember, "Dont waste anymore of my life being depressed and sad". How much time have i wasted already?.

At work today, i was very relaxed and settled as well. There was no continually changing what i was doing so that i could stay focused, i just sat down, and concentrated on what i was doing until it was finished. i never do that. Normally, i would jump around all over the place as i became frustrated with each individual project in turn. What a new way to work :)

The last two days i have been spending more time with my kids, not rushing off to do other things like i normally would. Just spending time with them and enjoying. I'm starting to realise that i dont have to pretend to be someone i am not around my kids. i can just be me. Why has it taken me so many years to realise that? probably been wallowing in my own self pity for to long.

Well, stay tuned, more to come soon

2005-10-22T21:19:00.000+08:00

Well, havent posted for a fe weeks. I had a holiday for a week and the week before and after the holiday were typically insane so that i could have the week off. Still, all back and settled into normal life again now :)

I have been having a pretty hard couple of weeks emotionally. Historically, i have buried myself in study or work to fight against my feelings and the resulting depression. The holiday i just had was the first in nearly 10 years where i have actually left all my hiding places behind, unfortunately i got quite down. Part of this, to be honest, was likely not helped by me buying and reading several TG books in the last few week which, while often very inspiring, typically higlight what a painful and lonely life this can be. maybe my timing could have been better, but then again, maybe not. it has made me do a lot of thinking and writing in my journal.

Over the last few days i have been reading Jennifer Boylan's "She's not there". All i can say about this book is "---WOW!---", it is amazing. I connected with the author so well, and found so many similarities between experiences that it was amazing. I guess most who have lived with these feelings would find these similarities but this was the closest i have found to mine. Not that i am anywhere near as well adjusted or as far along as Jenny, up to a point, i felt i have a kindred spirit.

One major point that hit me this morning was that while Jenny had seemed to mimic my journey up to the point where i am currently at, she seemed always to be able to keep a poistive spirit. I, on the otherhand, do not. This got me thinking this morning, why do i get so depressed and Jenny seemed able to keep positive?

Several weeks ago, at my last meeting with my therapist, i was feeling pretty good about myself after taking several large steps this year, well large for me anyway. My therapist however, at the end of the session, suggested that i needed to slow down a little. It shocked me a little and i didnt get the chance to ask why, i have therefore, typically, been stewing about it for a few weeks. This morning i sat down and wrote about my thoughts about this, and what i though of the Jenny Boylan book.

After a couple of hours, a couple of things came out of my writing. Firstly, i realised why i think my therapist said to slow down, i'm not yet emotionally ready to go further. Secondly, depression is why i am not ready and i need to deal with this first. Then after just finishing "She's not there" and thniking about my last few weeks, i realised that most of my depression is because i worry about the future and other people too much.

I continually catastrophise everything about the future, i may lose my family, lose my job, everyone will think i'm a weirdo, i'll be lonely blah blah blah. And, in a moment of clarity ( :)) it occured to me that i am not ready to move forward yet because i still dont love myself and rely on others to give me self worth. At the moment, i wouldnt be able to emotionally deal with any major changes, need to learn about me first.

So what do i want? well, i want to stop being depressed, i want to be happy and nice and love my family. i want to stop being too busy all the time and spend time playing with my children, talking with my wife. Now there is a paradox. Normally i'm grumpy and short with my family because i'm depressed about loosing them but being grumpy and short would probably end up leading me losing them anyway. So, i may as well just start being happy with who i am, start taking control of the steps i want to take and generally being happy and loving to my family. in the long run we may not be together but at least we would love each other and they would like me.

Well, that's my plan for this wek anyway. See if it lasts :)

2005-10-02T21:03:00.000+08:00

So, now for more about me.

Well, i am what the unitiated would call transvestite or cross dresser, although that is not strictly correct and not how i think of myself. From my perspective, i am stuck in the wrong body.

Yes, I like to dress as and spend time being a woman. I get no sexual satisfaction or thrill from spending time as a woman other than the happiness of feeling like i am being the real me, not pretending to be someone society thinks i should be.

My male self is a shell, a masquerade, a character that I have developed and rounded off over many years. Refined and polished to fit the mould of what others expect. To a small group of real friends and in some respects to my wife, I am Sarah. Yes, that's right, my wife. I am married and have been for many years, I also have children.

For many years Sarah was hidden from the outside world within me. Never far from the surface, always a big part of my conciousness, but rarely let out due to shame, guilt and fear of retribution.

Inside, I have been Sarah for as long as i can remember. For most of my life, I kept Sarah a secret from everyone. I told my wife about Sarah shortly after we were married and, after a negative reaction, kept her even deeper inside myself.

That was until a few years ago. Even the strongest container has a limit to how much pressure it can hold. My shell was strong, well hardened and thick; but it couldn't stand the internal pressure for ever. A few years ago it cracked, and so did I, I had a breakdown.

So, the for the last several years I have had to learn how to deal with my shame, guilt and depression and have gradually learnt to love (well most of the time) the person that i really am.

That is not to say in anyway that i now live as Sarah. I am far from that. In fact, there are probably only 8-10 people in the world who know both sides of me. Most of these people are now my dearest friends.

Sarah is now a bigger part of my life, i am slowly learning to love myself and understanding who i am. For help I have my wife, who while still confused about it all is offering what support she can, and i have my friends who i care for more than i ever thought possible.

So, that

2005-09-29T21:55:00.000+08:00

I feel helpless, sad, distraught.

One of my dearest friends is hurting and I cant help. All i can do is talk and send messages, i just wish i could do more.

We have only know each other for a few months, not yet a year. But I feel like i have know her for years. She has helped me so much since i have known her, being a friend, always with a ready smile and often a palce for me to get ready as Sarah.

To my friend, you know who you are. I wish I could do more, I wish I could make the hurt go away. Know that if you need to talk i am here.

2005-09-29T21:20:00.000+08:00

Last night was the night of our fortnightly support group meetings. A good oppertunity to really be Sarah out of the house and be around friends. I love these nights :)

I do need some new clothes though. Most of my Sarah clothes are work clothes, like you would wear to the office. Some more casual and relaxed clothes would be nice. I always feel like i'm dressed to formal :). I'll get some new things soon.

I love going to the meetings just so i can be Sarah, sit down and talk with my friends. It is just really nice to be open and relaxed with people who just accept you and like you for who you really are.

I will miss the next social outing, a trip to local restaurant and the next meeting because i will be away on holiday. This makes me a bit sad but i am looking forward to my holiday.

2005-09-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

Step 1

Well, here it is, my very first post.

I have been thinking about starting for some time but have never got around to setting it up. Well, after chatting to a friend earlier tonight about it, i have decided to start.

So, who am I? Well, that is a good question. That is part of the reason for starting a blog.

Now i'm stumped, have sritters block and am getting serious pressure from the aformentioned friend to just hurry up and post already :) .

So, more to follow soon

2005-09-26T21:04:00.000+08:00

Worked from home today.

My wife and i had a bit of a tough weekend. I occasionally still get quite depressed and upset about my feelings as Sarah. Now even, though I doing a lot more as Sarah, sometimes it isnt enough. I want more. It is hard to keep it all inside. This weekend was one of those times.

So, when i am having those feelings, I get sad, quiet and introspective. My wife doesnt like that and we both become sad. It is a vicious circle.

So today, I went to work. The feelings were still big within me and I was finding it extremely hard to keep my shell strong.

I have a high level job, in a big company. I have many people reporting directly to me and many more indirectly. I am responsible for millions of dollars worth of projects. And this morning, it was all just too big. So, as i occasionally do, i came home to work. I get more technical work done from home anyway so my company accepts this every week or so.

Even while working at home, I was still sad, but at least I wasnt around other people.

Now, in a previous post i mentioned my friends, my real friends, the ones that know Sarah. Well, we all chat online at night a lot. Today, Cathii was online during the day so we chatted for a while. Cathii is wonderful. She chatted with me for a while, offering many wise. She helped me put my feelings back into perspective and cheered me up when i was down.

She is a wonderful friend.